How is this piece of writing?

I find it a bit cliched, and I think you would do well to lose some of your adjectives/modifiers because there is perhaps a bit too much going on in there and it would be almost impossible to carry it on through the duration of an entire novel. As a piece of micro-fiction, it works. If it were to be continued through to a longer piece of work, it would need editing to keep your reader gripped as sometimes too much description can be a major turn-off and the reader gets bored reading it. :)