Is this extract from my book alright?

the only thing missing is were you said "i never thought i'd be in that position" you forgot to put the "t" at the end of "thought" lmao in other words, i dont see anything wrong with it, personally the type of story you're writing isn't the kind i would read from start to finish, but it's written very proffesionaly and in the right style, keep at it :)